Ever hear the old saying, "It takes a village to raise a child?" I believe that there has never been a time in our society that this saying could bear more truth, than today. With all the advances in technology, and in lifestyles of all different kinds of families, kids these days have so many influences and access to things we could never dream of as kids ourselves. No wonder we, as moms-or dads-have to look out for one another these days. As one, its like 3 full time jobs, but as a team its much easier. Being a mom who began this interesting adventure of motherhood at a very young age of 19, and being one whose closest friends began at even earlier ages, I have seen the village mentality applied to raising children, and while none of us ever claim to have it all figured out ourselves, I can honestly say that we all have something positive to bring to the table. Even at our worst, we are still giving it our best. And so far, I have observed a mixture of parenting styles that each offer their own special "something" to our (as we refer to it) friend-family that every parent-guy or girl-could use. Some moms utilize spiritual beliefs to help guide them, some have just learned from the negatives they experienced in their childhoods and know what they don't want in their homes. Some are mellow and more rational, and some are not. We all realize that parenting is often easier from the outside looking in. Usually due to the things that the 'insiders' either cant see or refuse to see due to their vested interests. We all have learned not to judge the actions of other moms as we dont know how we would do things if in their positions. We all have something, major or minor, that we can look back on and say "i would so do that differently". So I have composed a list of sorts, that explain some of my observations from myself and friends that may offer some guidance. There is no professional impact on this-except that we are all professional moms. This list is dedicated to my dearsest friends, and even some acquaintances, who are the most awesome moms I know. Those who have helped me and those I have helped. Though, all too often, I have felt that I have been on the receiving end than the giving! LOL So, here goes:
1. Although we all know that kids need a parent who doesn't try to be their friend, sometimes, kids do. Sometimes they need to know that they can have a trusted adult who will listen non-judgementally and will occasionally advise them in the best way possible. If a parent cant be that person, its good to have someone on hand who can be. Preferrably, someone that child respects.
2. No matter how much you want to try, you cannot control all the decisions your teenager (or almost teenager) makes. They do eventually have to learn how to make their own decisions. However you DO reserve the right to make sure they see that there are consequences to all decisions. Whether they be positive or negative consequences, that power can definitely be in your hands. But no worries, sometimes, natural consequences will do the work for you!
3. Prioritize your arguements. Before you start hounding your children over little details that may be a fad, that they may actually grow out of it. Would you rather waste your time arguing over the fact that their shoes match their hair, or the fact that they want to date a guy 4 years older than them? Sometimes, you just cant have both. Choose what you can live with and draw the line... then stick to it! Yes, you may have to bite your tongue so much that you lose your sense of taste permanently, but your kids will be more likely to listen.
4. If your child makes a mistake, they cant undo it. And remember, as parents, we all make mistakes all the time. If we as adults cant be mistake free-how could we expect them to be? And before you try to tell me you are perfect, let me just call you a LIAR! Mistakes are part of life. We can either learn from them, or we can ignore them and allow them to eat us alive. Its better to take a deep breath THEN deal with the problem. IN THAT ORDER! Sequence makes a huge difference!
5. Always expect the best from them. If they fall short, look at your standards and make sure they are realistic. If they are, dont back down. Dont except half-ass. If they arent realistic, then maybe tweek them just a hair.
6. Moms arent the only ones who make the messes, and moms arent the only ones capable of cleaning them up. (dads too) the only way for a home to run smoothly, is for everyone to do their part. I type this as I look at the mess in my house! And I think of the nice and tidy home of my OCD friend who has three kids vs my two. She doesnt play around! Yes, I am studying her techniques, slowly but surely! There is NO shame in cracking that whip! but just remember one thing. God gave man the ability to invent the door for a reason. So long as there is nothing living in their rooms and there is no ungodly smell melting the windows down, that door can actually come in handy. that and a gentle threat of privileges!
7. Its always good to keep a sense of humor in your back pocket. Sometimes bringing out the kid in you can be good thing! Not only does it keep you grounded, it lets your kids know that sometimes its ok to still be a kid themselves. In this world where they are often forced to grow up too fast, this is a necessity. Of course, all good things in moderation!
8. Kids have emotions just like us. However, they dont necessarily have the tools just yet to know how to deal with them. Us adults, however, do-or should. So its best to remember that we are the adults and they are the kids. This is not the time to let the kid in us show. But have no fear or shame in correcting a childs expression of emotion if they become rude or disrespectful. Respect is something earned and not just given, but simultaneously, how can they expect to be respected if they dont earn it. Teach them by backing away when you feel you have been pushed too far, until you have calmed down enough to try and talk to them. Or if they are being irrational, explain to them that you will be happy to talk to them normally when they can calm down. The one thing I try to explain to my daughter is that I dont always claim to react to things the right way. But I will try my best and have no problem admitting when I am wrong, and I expect the same from her. Lets them know that parents also can be imperfect.
9. Its good to keep friends close by. They help remind you of who you are aside from being a parent and a spouse. Especially if they are in the same position as you. Heck, you never know-they may actually need you more! The friends that are most helpful will not only offer advice, but they will know when its needed and when its just an ear you need. They will laugh with you, cry with you, step in and help out when you are about to flip out. They are just the most important necessity.
10. Faith is a must. Regardless of who you worship or how you worship, you need to have that faith that your higher power will help you through. And that if we fall, our higher power will help us back up and lead us to the right path.
11. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Need I really say more on that one?
12. When given the choice of staying home with your newborns or going back to work in order to pay off bills so that you can stay home with your school aged kids and teenagers, go with the latter of the two. Your newborns dont need you like you think they do. As long as the person who is with them during the day keeps structure and interacts with them daily, then they dont care who is there to change their diapers and dice up their hotdogs. But as they get into school-especially the older grades-like 4th through 8th grades-this is when you will be the most needed. If you have the luxury of staying home through it all, then consider yourself blessed. But if not, choose wisely!
13. And try to feed your kids everything at least once. Even if you wouldnt eat it, let them decide if they like it or not. Dont make faces or say eww before they get the spoon to their mouth because they will decide before ever tasting. If you do this, expect picky eaters! Lesson learned the hard way from this mom!
There are dozens more observations that I cant think of right off, and there are doesnts more that i have yet to observe. As I do, I will do my best to share. Remember that while people may offer advice, you have to do whats best for you. And by all means, do NOT compare your kids to others kids. Its a really good way to give a child a complex! JMHO!
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